


she's the tear in my heart

by angstlairde



Series: neither pity nor pragmatism [9]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Porn, Character Study, F/M, Feels, Jyn gets depressed, Porn with Feelings, kinda any early entry for the jyn erso appreciation week, mentions of depression, turned into a character study of jyn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-10
Updated: 2017-05-10
Packaged: 2018-10-30 08:14:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 958
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10872762
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angstlairde/pseuds/angstlairde
Summary: Draven calls her a distraction,  but when she’s straddling him, licking down the column of his throat, hair falling down, something like awe in her eyes, Cassian can’t bring himself to care.Other members of Intelligence call her a liability, but she’s pressing her mouth hot to his, running her fingers through his hair, tracing scars with feather-light fingers, he doesn’t give a damn.The council calls her a loose canon, but when she’s laughing and glowing, biting at his mouth, dipping her hands down his pants and making him groan, he thinks they can fuck off.//started out as a prompt fill for rebelcaptainprompts distraction and turned into a character study





	she's the tear in my heart

**Author's Note:**

> okay kiddos... my bro... don't read this, this is for adults...  
> ha, the rest of you continue on, m'lords and ladies

Draven calls her a distraction,  but when she’s straddling him, licking down the column of his throat, hair falling down, something like awe in her eyes, Cassian can’t bring himself to care.

Other members of Intelligence call her a liability, but she’s pressing her mouth hot to his, running her fingers through his hair, tracing scars with feather-light fingers, he doesn’t give a damn.

The council calls her a loose canon, but when she’s laughing and glowing, biting at his mouth, dipping her hands down his pants and making him groan, he thinks they can fuck off. 

He knows that there are plenty of people in the Rebellion who don’t think that way of her, but he still wants to prove to everyone who thinks she shouldn’t be here, or isn’t good enough, or doesn’t know what loss is like, that she’s just as good as the next soldier.

Jyn’s officially a member of the Rebellion, but that doesn’t mean everyone accepts her, the daughter of the Imperial scientist, the one that created the Death Star, and she’s sent people to med bay for that, and he has too. 

It’s like they forget most of them are Imperial deserters, that most of them have Imperial family, that most of them have Imperial ties. It’s like they forget that a lot of them had been on their own before they were recruited, that a lot of them had fought for themselves before they were rescued or brought in to fight for everyone else.

Why do they think they’re better than her? What gives them the right to shun her because of her past? Who says they can whisper behind her back about some things she’s done, as if they haven’t done questionable things for themselves, for the Rebellion.

She acts like she doesn’t care, but only because she cared too much. If this is what being human is, take it, she doesn’t want it, she never asked for this pain, for this loss, for this feeling like she’ll bleed out, for this complete _humanness_ that everyone has. What’d she do to have to suffer this, why does she feel like she the only one who feels like she has to do more, but just - no, go, leave her alone, she’ll fight by herself and for herself, and maybe that’ll make the hollowness and anger leave, but it doesn’t, and maybe it gets worse, but she just wants it to _go_.

Cassian pulls her into his room after they hear about the second Death Star, and pulls her close, kisses her to pull her out of this ditch she’d found herself in when she’d heard the news, and she kisses him back fiercely, desperately, because _it can’t come back_ , not after everything they’d been through, after everything they’d lost. Because they are alive, but sometimes she wishes she was dead, then she wouldn’t have to go through this, and maybe she was dead, maybe she was a dead woman walking and it felt like it sometimes, on days when she couldn’t take it and just wanted it to end, and she doesn’t want to be alive anymore.

Their love-making is not soft, is not slow, it is fast and rough and almost angry, just to prove that she is alive, they are both alive and still feeling even when she feels like feeling nothing. She pushes him down and grips his shoulders and rolls her hips and throws her head back when he pushes up to scrap his teeth across her collarbone. Cassian doesn’t let up, even when she shudders and presses her face to his shoulder and squeezes her arms tight around her shoulders, even when she pants into his neck and gasps his name. 

He doesn’t last long after that and comes with a groan, fingers gripping her thighs hard enough to bruise but neither of them can bring themselves to care, because it’s just another reminder that they are alive, and still breathing, still living.

They find themselves in the shower next, hot water falling down their faces and off their shoulders, and he pushes her back and buries his face between her thighs and eats her out until she’s shaking again, gasping at him to don’t stop, don’t stop. Then she pulls her up and he boxes her in, but she doesn’t care, she doesn’t care, doesn’t ever feel trapped with him, and lets him hold her, arms tight around her waist, and face pressed against the crook of her neck, and traces the scars on her back, on her ribs.

She is scared.

She is scared and she has never admitted that before, and that scares her. She is vulnerable, and open, and feels bare, and it goes against her nature, but with Cassian it’s okay. It’s okay to feel like this, to feel human, because that’s what she is, and that’s what he is, and nobody’s perfect, no one’s ever perfect, and even though she puts extremely high expectations on herself, she might never live up to them, but Cassian doesn’t judge. He doesn’t judge, because he knows, he knows what it’s like to feel like this, to feel like nothing, to question if you’re even human anymore.

But they are human, and that’s what makes them human, second-guessing, and anger, and selfishness, and fear, and love, and family, and home.

_Welcome home._

She never once doubted his words, and maybe that was a first, but here they are, home, in each other.

 _Welcome home_. 

She knew he meant them, every word, and she didn’t ever have much of a home before, but now she does.

Home’s not a place, not for her, it’s people, it’s a person.

Cassian.

_Welcome home._

And she was.

**Author's Note:**

> ta da! there we have it, hope you enjoyed, have fun, be good, punch nazis, stay in school, love you all!!  
> ps: (not important) the thing about placing somewhat ridiculously high expectations on yourself is something i actually do and i can't make myself not be like this and it's normally fine and good, but whenever i fail i just - i'm crushed, especially when i feel like it's my fault


End file.
